Articles
Greater access to freedom, fulfillment, and power…
I’ve spent many years now learning how to live a beautiful, peaceful, and fulfilling life.
I’m still learning of course, as there is always room for growth, and “the difference between a master and a student is that a master has mastered the art of always being a student.” ~ The Way of Mastery
This week I’m sharing thought technology that will provide you greater access to freedom, fulfillment, and power.
I’ve also included a quick note at the end about the free virtual breathwork class I’m offering this Thursday night at 7 p.m. Eastern.
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HOW WE CREATE OURSELVES DURING SHAME EVENTS
First, allow me to distinguish shame from guilt.
Guilt is when we think we did something wrong.
Shame is when we think something is wrong with us.
Shame is one of the most painful emotions, and many of us experience shame events as children.
We create ourselves in two primary ways during those shame events:
(1) We create false beliefs about ourselves; and
(2) We create inauthentic ways of being to avoid emotional pain.
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False Beliefs
During shame events, we either (I) create a false belief (judgment, story, etc.) about ourselves and/or (II) allow another’s false belief (judgment, story, etc.) about us to make a home in our mind.
We are meaning-making machines, and we often make events mean something about us (cue false beliefs).
Then, on a subconscious level, we view future events through the lens of our false beliefs and collect evidence to prove our assertions (false beliefs, judgments, stories, et cetera) correct.
Just a quick note that another’s part in the event is their part.
We are focused solely on us.
Our inner world.
The way to freedom, fulfillment, and power is to be responsible for our part.
The judgments, false beliefs, stories… all live within us.
It’s up to us to handle what’s going on in our inner world.
This is THE internal work.
Freedom, fulfillment, and power are an inside job.
For example, I remember being called Dumbo by my oldest brother when I was a kid because I had big ears.
Some of his friends were around and they all laughed.
You can probably imagine what I thought and how I felt.
They may have been just joking around with no malice whatsoever.
Nonetheless, I felt shame as a result of the meaning I ascribed to that event.
That was one of my first shame events.
The false beliefs I created about myself were that something was wrong with me and that I was ugly.
Those beliefs lived in me for a very long time.
I perceived future events through the filter of “something is wrong with me and I’m ugly” and subconsciously proved my assertions correct, albeit nonsensically.
Someone I liked didn’t like me… “see, I told me so, something is wrong with me and I’m ugly.”
Someone would look at me a certain way… “see, I told me so, something is wrong with me and I’m ugly.”
It would rain outside… “see, I told me so…” — Kidding!
But seriously, the scope of our view can extend pretty far.
In ways that make no logical sense.
We nevertheless believe our stories and their emotional effect is very real and deeply felt.
Our false-belief-perception-filter functions to reinforce our false beliefs.
Until we expand our self-awareness, that is.
And make an effort to dismantle our false beliefs.
Discovering these events and their accompanying false beliefs may take some reflecting (an open conversation in a safe space can help), and that’s normal and common.
It took me a fair amount of internal work to discover many of the false beliefs and judgments that lived within me (and I’m still discovering new ones!).
These false beliefs strongly affect how we show up in the world.
They limit possibility.
They limit our joy.
They limit our freedom.
They limit our self-expression.
They limit our self-esteem and confidence.
And they can cause emotional suffering.
The wildest part is that the false beliefs ARE MADE UP!
False.
Not true.
Completely made up meaning.
The truth is that there is nothing wrong with me: I am how I am and I look how I look.
Access to Freedom, Fulfillment, and Power…
Step 1: Expand Awareness
Step 2: [coming soon! see below]
Step 3: [coming soon! see below]
The first step to accessing freedom, fulfillment, and power is to expand self-awareness to identify our shame events and the accompanying false beliefs and inauthentic ways of being.
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Inauthentic Ways of Being
This is the other biggie.
Did you know about 75% of our cognitive activity is focused on avoiding emotional pain?
As such, when we experience shame events, our subconscious mind gets right to work developing thinking and behavioral patterns to help us avoid similar emotional pain.
Those patterns — ways of being — serve us until they don’t serve us.
They help us avoid emotional pain to an extent, but ultimately the cost is way higher than the return.
For example, during the shame event I experienced as a kid, I developed a way of being called people-pleasing.
In hindsight, I can see the logic behind the creation of that way of being.
It goes something like this…
If I show up in a way where I’m nice to everyone and don’t offend anyone, the more likely others will like me, the less likely I’ll be ridiculed, and therefore the less likely I’ll experience that same emotional pain again.
People-pleasing served me well for a while, but it eventually suffocated my authentic self.
People-pleasing was in large part inauthentic and caused internal conflict.
I would often withhold my truth lest I offended someone.
I would often play nice when I didn’t want to play at all.
I found it extremely challenging to say no without feeling guilty.
And I was devastated by the thought of someone not liking me or poking fun at me.
Now, I don’t give as many cares.
I speak and live my truth unapologetically.
Sometimes that’s appreciated.
Sometimes that offends or upsets people.
If someone creates the experience of being in judgment of me, that’s on them.
There’s zero chance I’m living my life in a way that pleases everyone while sacrificing the truth of who I truly am.
Pleasing everyone is an impossible standard to live by anyways and will no doubt suffocate our authentic selves.
As a Coach, it’s really important for me to serve rather than please.
My effort to begin slaying the people-pleaser began in 2018 during my transition into Coaching professionally full-time.
I realized then how people-pleasing had impacted so much of my life.
I also realized that if I were to serve others profoundly I would need to share truth and not just say what I think my clients would want me to say.
I had a breakthrough during Breathwork in 2018 (as I’ve shared before) and committed to continue slaying the people-pleaser thereafter so I could be FREEEE!!!
And fully self-expressed!
And serve powerfully!
Three ingredients to a life of deep joy and fulfillment.
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AWARENESS EXPANDED… NOW WHAT?
Okay, let’s say you’ve identified a shame event, your accompanying false beliefs and inauthentic ways of being… now what?
Now it’s time to FORGIVE YOURSELF!
We forgive ourselves not because we’ve done anything wrong, but as a powerful way to create a clearing from which to create (Step 3 clue)!
Access to Freedom, Fulfillment, and Power…
Step 1: Expand Awareness
Step 2: Forgive yourself
Step 3: [coming soon! below]
Sometimes we can get tripped up on Step 2.
To help, here’s a beautiful passage from Just Hit Send: A Journey to Freedom by Jody Vehr (she’s speaking about a past breakup with her ex–fiancé who was emotionally and physically abusive):
“Even though what he did was hurtful, the issue for me wasn’t him. It was how I was BEING with myself. I turned it inward—hating myself, blaming myself, and carrying a tremendous amount of shame. These are judgments, false beliefs, and misunderstandings. Being with myself in this manner was the issue…. I now see that holding onto upset and judgment is holding onto suffering. I see forgiving myself is the kindest, self-honoring and loving choice I can ever make. It grants me freedom….”
Given that our false beliefs and judgments live within US, we therefore forgive ourselves for creating or allowing those beliefs and judgments.
We want to be careful here not to make ourselves wrong for doing so.
We want to simply acknowledge what’s so and take responsibility for it.
Remember, we are focused on being fully responsible for our part.
The way I would suggest extending self-forgiveness is as follows:
- Call your false beliefs and inauthentic ways of being to the forefront of your consciousness.
- Lovingly and gently acknowledge that you have created or allowed them to make a home in your mind and being (while being mindful not to make yourself wrong for doing so).
- Acknowledge your innocence.
- Drop into your Heart and extend forgiveness with words similar to these: “I forgive me for creating and allowing these false beliefs and inauthentic ways of being to make a home in my mind and being. I love me. Unconditionally. I know in my Heart that I am whole, worthy, and complete. I know in my Heart that I am loved, loving, and lovable. I forgive me. I bless me. And I’m now willing to have these beliefs and ways of being removed from my mind and being forever.”
- Watch in your mind’s eye the false beliefs and ways of being gently dissolve into light and be done with them. Forever!
Once you’ve expanded your awareness and extended self-forgiveness, then comes Step 3.
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DECLARATIONS!
Access to Freedom, Fulfillment, and Power…
Step 1: Expand Awareness
Step 2: Forgive yourself
Step 3: DECLARE the truth of who you are/be
This is my favorite part, especially since we create as we speak.
You’ll likely notice an energy shift throughout this process.
After extending forgiveness for example, I usually experience a profound sense of peacefulness.
I’ve created a clearing.
I’ve been liberated.
Transformation is underway.
The canvas has been wiped clean and now it’s time to create a masterpiece!
After you’ve successfully completed Steps 1 and 2, I would suggest completing Step 3 as follows:
Write “And the truth is…”
Then DECLARE the truth and who you are/be!
I’ve included The Declaration of Who I Am/Be at the bottom of this article as a reference.
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FREEDOM BREATHWORK
Class last Saturday was amazing!
The feedback I’ve received over the past three days has been extraordinary.
Thank you to those who were present and helped to cultivate a safe, loving, and powerful space for us to breathe and grow together.
Right now I have only one more class on the calendar set for this Thursday at 7 p.m. Eastern. .
It’s free and virtual.
You can register here.
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Sending love and wishing you a peaceful and powerful week.
Living and Loving and Loving Living.
💙
Believing in you,
Stephen
PS: If you’d like to cause fundamental shifts in thinking and being (similar to the above) so you can create what you really want in life, let’s talk. Schedule a 120-minute complimentary and confidential coaching session here.
***DECLARATION OF WHO I AM/BE***
And the truth is…
I Am the possibility of unconditional love, profound service, and unprecedented power.
I Am loved, loving, and lovable.
I Am loving kindness to all.
I Am whole, complete, and worthy.
I Am commitment to the creation of my mind, body, Spirit, and life.
I Am perfect peacefulness and That nothing can disturb my peace unless I say so.
I Am That I love me and That I Am safe to be me always.
I Am full faith and total trust in the God of my understanding.
I Am That ALL things are possible and That I can do ALL things through He who strengthens me.
I Am passion and purpose.
I Am deep joy and fulfillment.
I Am lightness, laughter, and fun.
I Am my word.
I Am unapologetically authentic, honest, and genuine.
I Am That I establish my consciousness in the wonder, value, and beauty of the present moment and allow the future to take care of itself, as it always does.
I Am That there is nothing to fear, not even fear.
I Am That I do not sweat the small stuff and That it is all small stuff.
I Am moved by Spirit.
Abundance is my birthright.
I Am That I love money and money loves me.
I Am That life is simple and That I create all of my deepest desires effortlessly through Grace with loving gratitude and ease.
I Am that my words speak to the Heart of the Soul.
I Am that I live in the Spirit of Forgiveness.
I Am Miracles and Mastery.
I Am That I boldly and respectfully request what I want without self-judgment.
I Am one of the greatest coaches in the world.
I Am That I serve from my heart profoundly and extraordinarily.
I Am That I show you the truth of who you truly are and what it is that you truly desire.
I Am That I believe in you always no matter what.
I Am That I can see your innocence and Divinity.
I Am liberation from the chains of fear and ego.
I Am dreams come true.
I Am empowerment, enlightenment, and expansion.
I Am transformation, breakthroughs, and life-changing shifts in thinking and being.
I Am intention, commitment, and accountability.
I Am presence, deep listening, healing, and comfort.
I Am empathy and compassion.
I Am a rock solid stand for you and your life.
I Am a vessel for Love and space for Grace to shine through radiantly, powerfully, infinitely.
I Am loving permission to make mistakes and be human.
I Am amazing energy and an unstoppable FORCE of nature.
I Am confident, handsome, healthy, and jacked.
I Am That I am madly in love my beautiful fiancé, Kylie.
I Am Magic.
I Am an OG.
I Am never give up and That I never stop giving.
I Am recovery, strength, and hope.
I Am courage and humility.
I Am live and love FULLY.
I Am That I see God in everything because God is in my mind and heart.
I Am consciously connected to God and all of Creation.
I Am in alignment.
I Am the Universe.
I Am pure Spirit.
I Am as You Are.
I Am because You Are.
I Am Love.
I Am free.
I Am eternal.
I Am safe.
I Am home.
I Am.
And my parents named me Stephen G Sainato 🙂
