The hidden LOVE underneath the HURT
I spent hours yesterday writing to you, clicked save, checked back later to finalize this article… and poof! It was gone!
It somehow ALL got deleted.
I dropped a few F-bombs, felt really frustrated for about 4 minutes, then restored my peace and consciously chose a perspective that felt great.
I had some time today between sessions to write to you.
I definitely did not feel like writing everything again, AND I did it anyways (acting outside of reason — we call this being unreasonable in a good way!).
Oftentimes we settle for our reasons — “I don’t feel like it” — and don’t follow through on our commitments and desires to create the results we want.
That’s not who I be.
“In life you wind up with one of two things: the results or the reason why you don’t have the results. Results don’t have to be explained. They just are.”
— Werner Erhard
Here’s what I wanted to share with you yesterday…
THE HIDDEN LOVE UNDERNEATH THE HURT
[FYI the below applies to any relationship not just romantic relationships]
Has someone ever said something to you that hurt your feelings?
That happened to one of my clients recently.
We did a deep dive during a recent session and transmuted her pain into growth and an opportunity to cause several life-altering breakthroughs.
Beneath the hurt is a hidden love — a desire from our heart.
Our hurt’s intensity can be measured by the distance between our heart’s desire and our perceived reality.
My client’s partner said something incredibly mean that left her feeling disappointed and hurt.
So my client invoked the silent treatment.
A classic maneuver.
What most people don’t realize, however, is that the silent treatment — or any punishment for that matter — is an unconscious attempt to control the other person.
With any punishment like this exists what’s called unsaid communication.
It’s like saying without saying: “don’t act that way again or I’ll punish you like I’m doing now.”
And we subconsciously hope the other person’s brain thinks something like: “gee this punishment doesn’t feel so good. I don’t want to feel this way again so I won’t act that way again.”
The problem with punishing and trying to control each other is the extremely high cost that comes with it:
- suffocation of our authentic selves
- lack of connection and love
- emotional suffering
This way of being and acting is completely incongruent with what we REALLY want: a healthy, happy, and fulfilling relationship!
Punishing and trying to control each other simply does not serve the wellness of the relationship.
So I asked my client: “What’s the love underneath the hurt?”
An unfamiliar question.
After some dialogue to explain what I meant, we discovered the love.
As you might suspect, my client has a genuine desire to create a healthy, happy, and deeply fulfilling relationship with her partner.
A type of relationship that she’s never had before.
Now we’re talking!
I live for life-altering breakthroughs and helping others create their deepest desires.
Relationships are fundamental to the human experience so you can imagine how often my coaching is focused on relationship work.
What’s really powerful is that we’ll be causing several breakthroughs on the path to this one.
Breakthroughs in authentic self-expression, communication, and growth in her capacity to quickly create heart-centered desires.
Once we discovered the love underneath the hurt, we could shift her focus FROM falling into the usual conversation trap with her partner about who’s right, who’s wrong, who’s good, who’s bad, et cetera… TO breathing life into her heart’s desire to CREATE a healthy, happy, and deeply fulfilling relationship.
Those usual conversations never make a meaningful difference and nobody wins.
Even if somebody “wins” by proving themself right and the other wrong, they ultimate both lose because the relationship suffers.
I then asked my client: “Given the conditions of your relationship right now, what is the most powerful and appropriate action you can take to breath life into what you’d love to create: a healthy, happy, and deeply fulfilling relationship?”
Questions are the Answer.
This inquiry cuts right to the heart of what they both really want.
My client’s answer…
But not just any conversation.
A conversation outside the familiar.
A conversation where the communication isn’t focused on who’s right or wrong, but rather sharing with walls down in a way that effectuates what they both really want.
A few important suggestions for this type of conversation:
- Once ready, extend an invitation to the conversation (e.g. “hey, can we create some space to have a conversation about the other night? I’d really like to talk about what happened in a way that deepens our love and strengthens our relationship.”)
- Presence your commitment and intention before and during the conversation.
- Set your inner stance before you engage in dialogue. You might cultivate an inner stance of being peaceful, poised, honest, compassionate, vulnerable, and loving. Simply meditate on these words to cultivate such an inner stance. Or draw on your Declarations.
- Share honestly in a way where it’s received and doesn’t trigger an intense emotional reaction in the other; this usually happens when the other feels judged or shamed. We want to avoid that and still share our truth. This is an art and a science and there’s no blanket script. It depends on the specific circumstances. Yes, it can be challenging, and you can do it.
This results in an entirely new and wonderful way of communicating that helps tremendously to develop a healthy, happy, and deeply fulfilling relationship.
This quarantine is lasting much longer than many of us had anticipated.
You’ll need some mind muscle to make it through this pandemic in a positive way.
Most have learned a few tools here and there from workshops, seminars, books, et cetera.
Those tools can be helpful, and I would definitely recommend drawing upon those tools right now.
But most haven’t really spent the time and effort building their mind muscle.
Internal work is more important now than ever.
A lot of people (including a writer for CNBC) have been asking me how to make it through this pandemic in a positive way.
A/K/A build some mind muscle.
The results are invaluable and the time, energy, and resources are well worth it.
You’ll be equipped to navigate this pandemic, and you’ll experience enhanced levels of wellbeing and success in life generally.
NEXT FREE VIRTUAL BREATHWORK CLASS
The next free virtual breathwork class will be on Saturday, May 16th at 5pm EDT.
You can sign up here.
This is for those who believe in a Power greater than themselves.
The playlist this time will be a bit more spiritual (some of my favorite tracks!).
The previous classes were offered free on a donation basis. I’m removing the donation basis this time and any option to Venmo me.
I have a desire to serve just to serve.
Have a wonderful week.
Choose the perspective that feels best.
Discover the hidden love beneath the hurt.
Create your heart’s desires.
Build mind muscle.
Create some space for you.
And remember to breathe 🙂
“Only from the heart can you touch the sky.”
PS: If you’re interested in coaching together and creating your deepest desires, schedule a call here without charge. Choose the 90-minute option at the time that serves you best.